2001-08-21

Reasons not to do crack:

   - expensive

   - does not seem to promote listening to music
     (better for coding?)

   - makes stomach cramp up and feel sick. screws with bowels. don't feel 
     like moving fast. feel like you're about to throw up.

   - seems to kill brain cells. empty, numb feeling in head

   - addictive - coming down leaves you below where you started, so you 
     want to do more

   - feel pain in the joints

   - stiff penalties if caught

   - unsanitary - carried in mouth often

   - cut with god knows what

   - you do not want to eat anything

   - dehydrates you. do not want to drink anything (stomach feels sick).

   - gets you into "the life"


Reasons to do crack:

   - rush

   - escapism - makes you feel "good" for a (short) while

   - forbidden fruit

   - crack whores. most are too skanky for me, but once in a while there's 
     one - wooooo

Fantasy: I would like to pay a girl who matches my physical ideal (tall, thin,
brunette, small breasts, narrow hips, small ass, pretty) to lie there passively 
while I play with her body sexually in whatever way I want. If she wanted to 
do heroin, that would be great; I would like her to sleep, or almost sleep. 
I would like to turn her on her stomach and put my cock between her ass cheeks 
and rub it around. I would like to get hard enough to fuck her ass. I would 
like to cum on her face like a porn stud. I would like to have her for a night, 
taking my pleasure repeatedly with her near-comatose body. (She would be as 
unaware of me as possible.) This is my (current) fantasy! I will try to 
experience it at least once before I die.


Kurt was awesome. Kurt shared many of the same characteristics as I do, I think:
feelings of depression, loneliness, sensitivity to real or perceived slights by 
others, feelings of not fitting in with whatever group is around you. He was 
drawn to music as I am. He was far more talented, and much cuter than I, and 
may have worked harder, and so became wildly successful; but he didn't let go 
of all the other feelings when he became rich. He acheived the dream of almost 
every American kid - to become a rock star! - and seemed to say: It still sucks.
His suicide is noble, defiant, juvenile, spiteful. Also, by killing himself, 
he helped me to not try to kill myself. (Something like Jesus Christ dying for 
all our sins.)


As I come down, I notice the feeling of emptiness in my head seems to move 
down to my chest; I am aware of my heart beating (slowly now). I feel as if 
nothing will help me, despair sets in. I also start to get very tense (without 
any of the euphoria associated with the tenseness when high), my extremities - 
hands and feet - begin to feel almost like the pins-and-needles feeling when 
your foot falls asleep - not that evident, but somewhat similar. As the 
numbness goes away from my head, it is easy to think depressing things.

I feel tentative, nervous, afraid of making a mistake, very unsmooth.

...

Chriss

He has no front teeth. He told me he was 46 I think. He gets a check from 
Social Security for $500 + every month, and has a payee who pays his rent 
so he has a place to stay. He likes to dumpster-dive, both because he likes 
to scavenge, and because it is a cover for smoking crack (people tend to 
ignore bums poking through dumpsters). He is always calling out to girls,
pretending he knows them - actually he does know quite a few.

He is continually asking me to look through dumpsters with him, asking 
questions about computer stuff he finds, or asking me to read some printed 
material - he can’t read very well.

...

Sitting here by my bedroll smoking the last of my crack, I feel like a real 
crack fiend, scooping up the last crumbs to put in the pipe, pushing the wire 
back and forth...the taste is all metallic now, that can't be good...and still 
I feel under a compulsion to continue sucking on that pipe...

      why?

because it's there. because she isn't here. because I don't really care at this 
point what happens, I'm high enough it feels like that anything could happen 
and I could still feel good. She isn't here? No matter, I don't need her to 
feel good myself.

Besides if she were here instead of the crack, I bet I wouldn't feel "good"; 
I bet I would feel tense, nervous, deathly afraid of disappointing her, not 
pleasing her in whatever way. If she were here with the crack, maybe...heh.