2001-08-28

OK. I must make this the last time (for a while at
least). I must break my habit. I have passed several
signposts on the way to addiction, and I’m coming up
to the "point of no return" ones. But I can stop. I
can turn back, or turn off this road. And I will. It
is just not worth it! The high is not really pleasant,
just tweaky, nervous, jittery, physically painful
sometimes (heart, joints). I don’t really feel "good"
now. So why continue? I will stop. I will not buy any
more. 

...

How will I stick to my resolve? I must remember this
feeling, the high. Am I happy? No. My metabolism is
accelerated. Jazz doesn’t give me pleasure. I feel
hot. I am nervous and jumpy. My heart does not feel
like it’s beating regularly, it feels strained. I have
a tingly feeling in my hands, feet, arms, legs. It is
not pleasant.

...

This is the high. I will leave it soon. I will try to
capture it so at least I have something from this
experience.

Mind-numbing. Front of tongue and lips are numb. Bad
metallic taste in my mouth. Heart beating heavily.
Tingly feeling in arms and legs. Occasional shooting
pain in a joint, for example a shoulder joint.

suck it in, hold blow out through nose. wait. Heart
beats heavily. Numb feeling ascends through brain.
Become aware of pressure in ears. Numbness in lips.
Uncomfortable feeling in throat, after the hot air
that has just passed through it. More numbing of the
head.

...

After waiting an hour, again.

During the hour, I came down, came down hard. So now
I’m up...sort of. But not high enough! More!

Next hit is dirty. Taste of brillo. Ah, numbness
ascending. Is this what death feels like? numbness all
over.

Tried to kill some time by going for a walk, but I
felt like I was about to get a nosebleed, so I came
back.

What is this feeling that I must leave alone?
Tenseness. Uptightness. Jittery. Heart pounding. Burn
in throat. Hot.

...

9:25pm

I think I can leave this alone. I will remember it,
what I’m experiencing now. Euphoria, whatever. But the
side effects are not worth it. I will leave it alone.
It shall be hard, but not impossible; I will quit.

9:30pm

with weed, and music, I will get over the low after
I’ve smoked my last rock.

Counting through a jazz tune helps a lot with my
depression. Trying to keep up with Charlie Parker or
Louis or Trane or whoever is hard, I don’t want to get
lost. When I’m following along I hear so much more of
what the musicians are doing too.

10:05pm

I will quit this. It won’t be easy, but it just
doesn’t make sense to continue. Physically I am not
comfortable. I don’t get into the things I usually
like, music for example. I don’t eat. There is
something as pleasurable as this, or more so, about
going for a walk after work.

10:30pm

OK. Had my last blast. Threw everything out. Back to
weed.

11:30pm

My wall against the desire to do more crack:

1. Serenity

I like being tranquil, calm, relaxed, at rest more
than tweaked out, nervous, jumpy, heart pounding
uncontrollably.

2. Music

I imagine my favorite musicians being relaxed when
playing. When I smoked crack, I did not like my
favorite music as much. I didn’t feel like playing.
Music was not as interesting to me.

3. Money

4. Health

Burning in the throat. Smoking brillo can’t be good.
What is it cut with? What is it doing to my heart?

5. Job - staying out of “the life”

I do not want to return to living in my car.

6. What others think of me.

Okay this one’s weak.


But the first five hold strong. I just have to
remember them whenever the urge strikes me to do more
crack.

What is the high, really? a pounding in the ears, a
numbing of the brain. For a few seconds. Followed by
nervous jitteriness, and descent into depression. If
it were legal, I might try it on weekends or
something. But it not being legal, and given my
personality, to use it even once means to risk getting
sucked back into "the life". I am not ready to go back
to "the life". I can get rushes naturally, through exercise.